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July 9, 2024
From Dating to Devotion: A Biblical Approach
Unlock the secrets to a successful and godly marriage with Pastor Muhammad Wurie as we tackle romance and marriage from a biblical standpoint. Discover how to align your heart with God's will, surround yourself with a supportive community, and maintain holiness in the face of changing generational norms. We even dissect the absence of modern dating concepts in the Bible and how to evaluate your maturity and readiness for a committed, godly relationship.
Brace yourself as we contrast the realities of biblical marriage with today's consumer-driven views of relationships. Pastor Wurie shares personal experiences to highlight the importance of commitment and selflessness, urging singles to embody the qualities of a good spouse. Explore how preparation for marriage should start well before the wedding day and understand why true biblical marriage serves as a unique platform for growing in the love of God.
Learn about the dangers of worldly dating and the profound consequences of premarital sex. Pastor Wurie emphasizes the necessity of being equally yoked in faith, offering practical steps for actively waiting on God and growing spiritually. Finally, we stress the importance of community in fostering genuine, godly connections and discuss how CityLight Church can support you on your journey.
For more information and resources, visit www.citylightnyc.com
(00:00) Navigating Romance for Marriage Success
(09:54) Preparing for Biblical Marriage Success
(21:13) The Dangers of Worldly Dating
(30:33) Preparing for Godly Relationships
(38:54) Navigating Courtship in Community
(55:10) Connecting With City Light Church
Chapters
00:00 - Navigating Romance for Marriage Success
09:54:00 - Preparing for Biblical Marriage Success
21:13:00 - The Dangers of Worldly Dating
30:33:00 - Preparing for Godly Relationships
38:54:00 - Navigating Courtship in Community
55:10:00 - Connecting With City Light Church
Transcript
00:00 - Speaker 1
When we have a pursuit of a husband or a wife, even more so. We have to look at the facts and we have to be surrounded by people that can lovingly correct us and hold us accountable. We have to keep our heart posture in alignment with God's will and understand the desires that he has for our future marriage and how that is going to bless the kingdom of God and bless it, so that the gospel is gonna have free course to go on, first and foremost through the family that you create.
00:26 - Speaker 2
Welcome to the City Light Church podcast. Thanks for joining us today as we look into God's word and discover the hope and truth that he has for us. If you want to connect with City Light Church, feel free to visit us at citylightnyccom. That's citylightnyccom. Pastor Boyan Jancic and his team believe that the power of the Holy Spirit is already working in our hearts and minds. As you listen to today's teaching, remember that you are deeply loved by God, that you are surrounded by His grace and that he has a real hope and a future for you.
01:06 - Speaker 1
My name is Muhammad Wurri. I'm one of the pastors here at City Light Church and again, we just want to greet you as we welcome the love of God in this place. Now I don't want to take any time because we got a lot to go through today, so I just want to dive right into. It Sounds good, let's jump into the word of God. So today I want to talk about navigating romance. I don't know who whistled at that picture, but my wife is in the back. Don't get yourself in trouble even more. It sounded like a male whistle, so I'm gonna leave that right there.
01:45
So in today's day and age, it is very difficult to navigate going from being a single to getting a boo thang, to getting engaged, to getting married, and I just want to help a little bit and walking people through that process. Now, before we take any steps further, married people don't check out A lot of you thinking to yourselves well, listen, I didn't got mine. So, uh, what does brunch plan looking like? No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Because here's the thing A lot of us, we weren't instructed exactly on how to get a mate of the godly sort. So sometimes either you are married to an unbeliever, or you are married to somebody who you know, with the knowledge that you'll gain today. If you had the right information, you probably wouldn't have married.
02:35
Okay, let me just and I say that and guess what, it's okay. I don't need you to hit the abort button now, because you've heard one message. Even Paul speaks about this. He says listen, if you are married to an unbeliever and they are willing to stay with you, you stay because the Lord is able to sanctify your marriage and your children and your future. He's able to work together for good, amen. Now, for those of you who are not married yet, I just want to give you some steps so that you know you can be successful. Sounds good, all right. So, married people, you've been warned. We'll carve you up. Next time, hopefully, we get a part two for this navigating romance for the married folk.
03:23
Okay, so, first of all, we don't see dating anywhere in the bible. So there's this understanding that as our generations change, so do some of the norms. But we can't take that and be pushed past holiness and outside of the will of god into sin. Why do I say that? Well, here's the thing with each generation comes a new way of looking at things. But I have to give a little bit of a pushback towards that, and that pushback comes directly from the scriptures. Let's go to Romans 12 too. Therefore, I urge you, brothers and sisters, in view of God's mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God. This is your true and proper worship. Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is, his good, pleasing and perfect will. Again, don't be conformed to the pattern of this world. Still with me, all right. So Matthew 19, four says this. And he answered this is Jesus speaking, by the way. And he answered and said to them have you not read that he who made them at the beginning made them male and female and said for this reason, a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh. So then they are no longer two but one flesh. Therefore, what God has joined together, let not man separate. So we see that the marriage covenant, or that marriage is a covenant between a man and a woman. In the eyes of God, it's an unbreakable bond.
05:13
Now, if you're a single and you're desiring marriage, you're desiring to be in this kingdom union. That is going to further the plans of the will of the Lord on earth, and you desire marriage. You desire a good thing, but before we take any steps further, before we crawl forward, I just have to ask a question Are you a man or a woman? Pastor James looks real nervous. Where are we going this morning? Well, here's the thing, though don't be nervous.
05:59
Marriage is for men and women. We know this from the scriptures. Say amen, church, okay, all right. The thing is, the Bible does not say that marriage is for boys and girls. So are you a man or a boy? Are you a woman or are you a girl? Trying to play? Okay, let me how about this Song of Solomon, 8, 4. It says this I charge you, o daughters of Jerusalem, do not stir up nor awaken love until it pleases.
06:37
There are many singles today that desire fellowship, companionship, they desire a kingdom relationship, but the honest truth is they haven't asked a real question Are you marriageable? Because we know that we want to be with people. You know your friends that want to be with people. You know your friends that want to be with people, but have they asked the question are you where you need to be? Yeah, it's quiet because we don't like questions like that, because that's a question that pokes and it prods and it really gets us to examine where we are in life. Are you just looking to get with somebody for whatever it is that you think you want Somebody looking for pies and thighs in this place, or are you looking for godly relationship that furthers the kingdom of God?
07:52
But the thing is, you can only enter into that type of covenant arrangement if you're a man or a woman, if you are counted among the mature. Are you mature? Are you marriageable? Do you have a whole host of unhealed trauma and brokenness that you haven't addressed and allowed the Lord in on? Because now you just want to hit your wagon with somebody else with all of your stuff and just put it on them. Is that what we're talking about? It's quiet, oh, it's quiet.
08:30
How do you deal with money? Are you broke, busted and disgusted? Do you mismanage all of your money? So let me get this straight you want me to give you my daughter when you are $80 million in debt. You got the GDP of small countries in debt and you're talking about let me have your daughter, I'll make sure to provide for both of us. Ooh, they're not going to like me today, pastor. They're not going to like me today.
09:07
You know why we really got to ask the question are you married, job? Because as someone I've been married this August I have been married for 10 years Now. I wish I could say all 10, I've been the perfect husband. It's been about. It's a rocky start, guys. It was a rocky start. It's a rocky middle, where the Lord is shaping me out as we go Amen, no, no, I'm talking to her. Amen, you got to check in. My wife is in the building, okay. The only reason she's not sitting in the front is because she got the baby in the back. She's trying to be respectful to the building, got it Okay? The only reason she's not sitting in the front is because she got the baby in the back. She's trying to be respectful to the service, amen. So you got to check in.
09:54
But the reason we have to ask the question are you marriageable? It's because marriage is a Petri dish. If nobody ever told you before, marriage is a petri dish that grows, the love of god. Listen, I've been married for 10 years and I've learned from experience that you are not as all that as you think you are. You have idiosyncrasies and little ways about you that will annoy the hell out of somebody. And they, they got to wake up next to you every day and there are things about them that are weird and idiosyncratic and it is terrible. Not you, baby, just you know. And every day you got to wake up next to that thing, and it's something about getting into such close proximity with infallible imperfection that grows the love of God. That's not for boys and girls.
10:54
Ladies and gentlemen, there's a reason why the statistics on divorce in our country are so terrible. In and outside of the church somewhere above 50% Because we've believed the lie of this world that says it's a very hedonistic thing. It's a very consumer culture that says I want what I want and if it doesn't work then I'll go down the block. How many know that's not marriage, that's not biblical marriage, that's not covenant before the Lord. When you make a covenant, you're making more than just the contract. You're making a pledge before God that says I'm here for the long run, I'm here for the long haul, I'm here to partner with you, even when I don't like you. Come on, all the married people are supposed to say amen. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
11:41
Sometimes that see all the single people. They don't really know this part. Yeah, yeah, yeah, sometimes that see, all the single people, they don't really know this part. Yeah, sometimes you don't like your spouse because they are them. They're imperfect humans. You love them, you love them, you are committed to them, but you don't always like them, and the reason why you stay is because you are committed to them and committed to God. So, single people, you need to learn this now, even before you make that commitment. You know they teach you in preacher school and homiletic class that you should never worry about the sound of the people, and I'm not. I expected every one of you to be quiet today and I'm not. I expected every one of you to be quiet today.
12:32
Marriage exposes our weaknesses, but the beautiful part that I've learned about God is he only reveals what he wants to heal. So, when you enter this Petri dish called marriage and it's growing the love of God and it is exposing all of the ways in which you are weak and less than perfect and putting them on full display. Because here's the thing. Maybe you've never seen this before, but we hide really well. You hide with your friends, you hide with your associates, you hide with your coworkers, you hide with your family. There are certain things you can't hide from your spouse because they all up in your face every day. That's facts. All the married people know. That's facts, because when it comes to friends and all these different relationships outside of the marriage, you know it's almost like when you get company over and you quickly hide and throw everything into the closet.
13:38
Praise God, hey, are we heading out? Yes, let's do that. Praise the Lord, I want this closet to bust open and all my trash come out. And it's not just a physical thing. Metaphorically, in our spirit there's trash and we hide it up behind a pretty veneer. How are you doing? All is well With myself? You can't hide that type of stuff from your spouse Because when that thing starts to cook up and you start kicking the dog for no reason and you're yelling at everybody, it's like the Snickers commercials. Hey, you're not yourself. Do you need a Snickers? Like you're not yourself. Have you been praying? Have you been reading your scriptures? Because they see you and they know you. Oh, we're going to school, you today. So this ain't for boys and girls, amen.
14:39
Proverbs 18 22 says this he who finds a wife finds a good thing and obtains favor from the Lord, all the happy married folk. Amen. I done found it, I got faithful. That's a happy married man, you can tell. That's a happy married man, you can tell. But what it doesn't say is he who finds a booty call. What it doesn't say is he who finds a friend with benefits. What it doesn't say is he who finds a baddie. You don't get the favor of the Lord because you found a thot. I'll let the young people school you on that one T-H-O-T that. Okay, you Google that on your own time. No, it doesn't say those things. It doesn't even say he who finds a girlfriend finds a good thing. But wait, this scripture is specifically speaking to singles. It's speaking to a single man, saying he who finds a wife finds a good thing.
15:58
So there's something that's profound that the Lord is teaching us through this verse you need to be a wife even before your husband finds you. You need to be a husband even before you're married. There is a measure of maturity and selflessness that you have to embody before you even get connected with somebody. Your husband, your future husband. He doesn't need a girlfriend, he needs a wife. Oh, you ain't saying nothing, church. You need to put yourself in reconstruction mode.
16:46
Lord, do it. That should be every one of our prayer. Lord do it. Let him operate on you.
17:02
I pray that we would have a generation of men and women of God that would say enter my home. I'm not locking any of the doors. Come into the attic, come into the basement, come clean and sweep me out. Because, let me tell you, the Lord knew he wanted to bless me with a wife, but I was a boy and he had to come and take some desperate measures and start cleaning things out to make me a man. Because the last thing you want to do is take the purpose, the will, the calling of God, his precious child, and have it connected to a deadbeat that's going nowhere, an immature person that is only going to look for self.
17:39
Marriage is all about selflessness, not selfishness. I'm not trying to discourage you nor dissuade you from marriage. Marriage is amazing. All my license holders would you testify. So how can you be a wife or a husband if you've never been married? Well, you have to lean on those who have been and are in healthy marriages. Let me read you something from titus, chapter 2.
18:15
But as for you, speak the things which are proper for sound doctrine that the older men be sober, reverent, temperate, sound in faith in love, in patience. The older women likewise. That they be reverent in behavior, not slanderers, not given to much wine, teachers of good things. That they admonish the young women to love their husbands and to love their children. To be discreet, chaste, homemakers, good, obedient to their own husbands. That the word of God may not be blasphemed. Likewise, exhort the young men to be sober-minded in all things, showing yourself to be a pattern of good works in doctrine, showing integrity, reverence, incorruptibility, sound speech that cannot be condemned. That one who is an opponent may be ashamed having nothing evil to say of you. No, sometimes you gotta let the word sit and let it say la for a minute. You need to be in a place of humility where you would actually depend on those that have gone before you and actually look and glean from those that are doing it successfully.
19:31
Listen, you hate your wife. I'm sorry. I probably don't want to hear from you If, every time I talk to you, all you have is something negative to say about your wife, and it's never about you and your ability to bring something to the table, to bring a change. Praise God. I want to hear from people that have been married for many years, that have seen the ups and the downs and they've weathered that storm and they show true commitment and they show that God's grace is able to take what was broken and hurting and lost and bring out treasure. Because, listen, when you're married and it's the will of God and his spirit is there in the midst of those two people it can feel like heaven on earth or it can feel like torture, depending on how much you let the Lord in. All right.
20:24
So, as a single, how do you navigate in a world when the Bible tells us that there is no such thing as dating, that we should just marry? That's what the Bible says Be married. It's better to marry than to sin. But it never says how to get there. How do you meet people? What do you do? So there's dating as the world knows it, and then there's biblical dating, which is not even called dating, it's called courtship, and I want to just give you a little bit of a glimpse of the two, and then we can practically put some legs on this thing and walk you through how to get from point A to point B. Amen.
21:13
So worldly dating as we know it is nothing more than veiled divorce practice is nothing more than veiled divorce practice. Yeah, what we know of today as dating. Oh, I meet you, you nice, let's go out, we spend time together. I pour in my emotions, I pour in my time, my effort, my energy, and then I start giving you pieces of me. Oh, no, no, no, no, I'm not veiling it, I'm talking about you. Start living together. You're playing house, you're sleeping together, you're giving every part of yourself because what you thought was just a physical thing, the devil lied to you. Did you know that God created sex? Sex is not a creation of the enemy, that's God's. He made that in heaven. Oh man, I don't know if you're not doing it right. Sex is awesome. That'll be another message for another day. We'll talk about it. I'm getting in the weeds. I'm getting in the weeds, weeds.
22:32
Sex is God's idea, but he knows, because he's the one who created it. It was only designed for covenant. I'm going to spell it out because sometimes people live in this innuendo place where they're not really speaking about it openly. Fornication, premarital sex, is sin. That's not preached enough. That truth is not heralded enough from the pulpit. That's sin. You find yourself casually sleeping with somebody outside of covenant. That isn't your husband and it isn't your wife. You, my friend, are in sin. You have missed the mark. That is not God's best for you. We don't understand because we think… I understand our society is propagating this lie.
23:11
It's just a physical thing, it's just something that you can do. It's not just a physical thing because it was created by a very real and spiritual God. Sex involves body, soul and spirit and there's a connection on so many different levels. It was meant to make two one. When you only have a misunderstanding of what sex is and you think it's only just this physical connection, you end up giving pieces of yourself to somebody else. When it's over, because there's no commitment, you're broken and you're hurting and you're wondering why. I was with so-and-so three years ago and I just can't go on. You can't go on because your soul is still attached and you got soul ties because you thought it was just physical, you thought it was just fun. For the moment.
24:19
There are people who do object lessons and things like that, and I won't bore you with doing one, but there's one that I saw that made a lot of sense and I wish more people would be hip to it. This person took two pieces of heavy duty cardboard and he took them and he took industrial strength adhesive and he bonded them together and gave it time and they were fused. Then he got two really strong dudes and he said, hey, I need you to separate these things. It took some doing, but fine, because at first they couldn't. It was industrial-strength adhesive. It was too strong, but then there started to be a ripping, there started to be a tearing. The two were separated, but do you know that it was not a clean break. There were pieces of this side on the other side and there were pieces of this side on that side.
25:13
Now imagine we're talking about the sex union outside of marriage. So now you're connecting with someone and you think that it's only physical, but yet when there is this divide and there is this cutting off, pieces of your soul are left all over the place. You're wondering why you feel so broken, why you feel so separated and torn apart, when the Lord desires and calls you to wholeness. It's because you're doing something out of order and out of the alignment. Sex is amazing, but it's only amazing because I have a license, and I have a license with the other person that I've committed myself to. Our life. Groups are doing letter to the American church. We're learning how to stand boldly on truth correct. Here's a truth that's not widely spoken If you're engaged in premarital sex, stop for your own health, for the health of your future, for the health of your future spouse. Amen. Brightly colored preacher.
26:38
If you look up the actual definition of dating, it says that dating means different things to different people, particularly across generations, and this is what we see as our generation continues to change and evolve. In simple terms, dating can be defined as two people in an intimate relationship. Unfortunately, though we look at modern dating today, it includes more than a few things that are just not biblical Dating with no intention, premarital sex, selfish, hedonistic pleasure-seeking with no thought for the other person. So when you date without intention, you're never looking for something specific in your partner, and what that devolves down to is you're only looking for the fulfillment of self, and the fruit of that turns into many nasty and ugly things. You start to debase the person and don't see them as a person. They're just an object for your satisfaction. It is no longer about sacrificing for the betterment of the whole. It's only about feed my own pleasure. Can you see how that is negative and broken and twisted and from the pit of hell. But that's not the way that they package it and sell it to you. You can't buy milk from a commercial today without somebody trying to sell you sex.
28:07
I pray that the Lord would give us eyes to discern and see what really is happening in our culture. They're looking to destroy us through self-satisfaction. This is a very base example and I just know it because I'm acquainted with food. But if I'm out and about and I'm going through my day and I snack on things all day instead of waiting for the dinner that I know is going to be at home, that will satiate and satisfy me by the time I get to that dinner. When I get to it, I might not even really want it because I'm already full off of nonsense.
28:49
How many of us are filling ourselves up on things that don't satisfy so that when God finally does bring you the thing, he brings you the satisfaction, he brings you the relationship, he brings you the satisfaction, he brings you the relationship. He brings you that man or that woman of God. You have so warped and twisted sex, his creation through masturbation, through addiction to porn that when you finally get the thing, you don't even know how to treat it correctly. Oh man, I am preaching right now, pastor James, oh Lord, hallelujah, when we are courting with intention towards marriage, we start paying attention and looking for a kingdom spouse. We start looking for someone that is going to help us fulfill the will of God and the calling of God on our lives. Do every one of you know that you have a calling of God on your life? It's not just to be a preacher, a pastor, an evangelist. No, no, no. You have a calling as a Christian to be where you are, in your market, to be God's child Everywhere you go. You are meant to be an evangelist of sorts, because you get to share who God made you to be and the gospel comes out of that. When you get with the wrong person, because you're only looking with parts and not your spiritual eyes, you can detract and destroy the purpose and the calling of God. God gives us this instruction for healthy relationship leading to marriage.
30:33
Second Corinthians 6, 14,. It says do not be unequally yoked together with unbelievers, for what fellowship has righteousness with lawlessness and what communion has light with darkness, do not be yoked together with unbelievers. Right? So we hear that and we think well, I'm Christian, he's Christian. He goes to my church. I can't tell you how many times well-meaning Christians they drag some unbelieving douche into my office going hey, look what I found. Would you give us some premarital counseling so we can get our license? No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
31:23
Not being unequally yoked or being equally yoked is not just well, they're christian, they believe in god. No, no. Do they believe in your god? Do they hold the convictions of the scripture that you do? Do they stand and trust and know that Jesus Christ is Lord? There is no other means for salvation other than him. That's where we start. It's not even where we fit. That's just the bedrock, bottom line of where we start.
31:58
Don't settle, don't settle. Oh, I feel that in my spirit, some of you singles don't settle. Don't settle just because you're lonely and you're tired and you are hungry for pies and thighs, because what God has for you is better than what you're trying to settle for, I guarantee you. So, again, this looks like actually serving the same God, sharing the same convictions, because, we have to be honest, not everybody in church is actually saved. What Now? You're messing me up right now, pastor. What are you talking about? No, no, no. Everybody here within under the sound of my not everybody's saved, not everybody actually has a relationship with Jesus. They come to church that's great, we are on the road actually has a relationship with Jesus. They come to church that's great, we're on the road. There's a gradient of faith. We're working you out.
33:10
You see, my wife my wife is not at the pulpit much. She doesn't talk much. She will pray the crazy off a devil. That woman has a relationship with God when I'm sick and I'm hurting and I'm a man. So when I get sick I turn into a little baby. It's just a headache when I'm in that place. She can come because she's filled with the Spirit of God, she knows the Word of God and the anointing that she carries and she comes by faith and she lays hands and releases the presence of God and she casts that baby spirit off of me and healing arises and all the women said amen.
34:08
You know what it also takes too. It takes accountability, because we're talking about being single, getting to marriage, getting the right tools to get where we want to go. So you have to have accountability, because there's something about when emotions rise, when you meet somebody and you like somebody, that actually causes you to be insane they say being in love. In direct proportion, the type of endorphins that are released are the same as being crazy. There's a couple things in life that produce this effect Large amounts of chocolate, being in love and being insane. So when you meet somebody and you're in this place of oh my God, they're so amazing you don't even understand Like. They just look the part, they just sound the part. It is just so good, just no, no, in that moment. That's why I'm going to need you to get around your friends and go hey, what do you think? Because the problem comes with.
35:08
Many of us are not in a place where we would even open ourselves up to that type of accountability. If we're honest, we just trudge along making decisions, running headlong into walls and upset that we have migraines. That wasn't fun. Jeremiah 17.9 says this the heart is deceitful, above all things, and desperately wicked. Who can know it? When we are attracted to people and endorphins are racing and emotions are high, our view of certain things and certain people can become distorted, and when we have a pursuit of a husband or a wife, even more so we have to look at the facts and we have to be surrounded by people that can lovingly correct us and hold us accountable. We have to keep our heart posture in alignment with God's will and understand the desires he has for our future marriage and how that is going to bless the kingdom of God and bless it. So the gospel is going to have free course to go on, first and foremost through the family you create.
36:15
I'm going to really close with this one. I want to give you some practical steps for what this looks like, because so often we hear people go we're waiting on God. I want a relationship. I heard the message. I'm not going to just be out here selling myself anymore. Praise God. What do I do next? I want you to wait on the Lord. Okay, okay, am I done? Waiting, shut up. No, waiting on God is not this passive thing. That means I'm going to stand here in this one position like this. No, waiting on God means I'm going to actively participate in this act of preparation, because you're not just waiting on God, no, no, I need you to think of it more. Like you are waiting on God. Oh, got to get my white towel.
37:07
Make the look complete what you got for us today, lord. What would you like today, lord? Would you like some consecration? Lord, would you like some holiness today? Lord, would you like, oh, no, oh. You want to operate on me today? Okay, jesus, well, let's do that. Oh, you want to prepare me for that person? That? Oh okay, I hadn't signed up for that, but you know what. I trust you, jesus. Oh, you, you want to touch my trauma? Oh, okay, jesus. Yeah, no, no, do it. Do it, lord, because what you're doing is inviting him in, allowing him to fix all the things that keep you from getting the good things that he has, because, for some of you, god has already put some good things in your life and you've scared them away with your crazy because you haven't allowed him. Oh, there you are. Praise God, all right. Practical steps.
38:11
Number one am I actually marriageable? When I go to the Lord, is he giving me the thumbs up like, hey, you should get out there and start looking, or is he saying get back in the lab, I got some more work to do and it's okay to be in that place? Here's the thing. God redeems the time as much as we think. Come on, jesus, I'm getting older. I got to go my eggs and stuff. Come on, please, please, please, please, please. God is like I got you, I got you, he can do it. What you thought would take 10 years, he can do it. What you thought would take 10 years, he can do in two weeks.
38:54
So am I actually marriageable? Am I actually running the race? Do you have a real relationship with jesus? Is jesus the lord and savior of your life? Not just Savior, but Lord? Are you submitted to him, looking for his will? See, the thing is, when I met my wife, I wasn't looking for my wife, I was looking for Jesus. I was running my race. Every one of us has a unique race and calling of God. I was getting it Soldier for the Lord Burns in my castle. I'm going to keep going. I love you, lord. I was a Bible thumper when I first got saved. Get saved. I was throwing the Bible like a grenade.
39:45
Something funny happens when you start running your race for the Lord. You start to realize real Christians and fake Christians and who can't really hang. When I was running, there was a lot of attractive girls in my church. I start running and they start falling behind and I'm looking around like not all the girls, jesus ain't nothing but dudes up here. He said just keep focused on me. All right, I'm going to trust you, lord, but I know you don't go that way. All right, jesus, I start running and I keep running for the Lord. And then, lo and behold, one day I met this woman and I didn't notice my wife because she is incredibly attractive. She is, but that's not why I noticed her. I noticed her because the first day that I met her, the preacher couldn't even preach because of her.
40:46
Here it is a pastor, he's preaching his message and he just stops with the burden of the Lord on his heart. He says "'Hey, ma'am, I'm going to need you to stand up'". He's like "'I've never done this before, but I just got to'". He begins to prophesy to her, declaring "'You're going to be a member here. You're going to help us launch one of our churches here. You know me, I'm in the back with the creeper smile like what is happening here? Because I'm in the back and she's in the middle and I'm just like yeah, I need to meet her. And you best believe. After the service done, I was like hey, uh, my name is muhammad. Praise god, it's nice to meet you. You know, I know you're gonna be joining the launch team just sooner. You know, look forward to getting to know you.
41:50
As you're running your race, you get to look to the left and look to the right and see who's keeping pace. That's important. You want to be equally yoked right. Stop trying to save people off the street so they could be your boyfriend. We not big game hunting. That's not what the Lord meant. Get people saved because you want to see them get saved. If they happen to later bear fruit, hey, praise God, stop going. Let me go right down to that planet's fitness. They look good in there. Anybody want some? Jesus, jesus. So run your race, be marriageable. Run your race, look around as you run and see who's keeping pace. Here's another one Community is going to be super important right now Getting to know people, because, remember, you're not just waiting, you're waiting, you're serving.
42:48
It's important that you get around godly people who are doing godly things for the sake of the kingdom, because you get to learn and see people and interact with people without the awkwardness of a date. Listen, I didn't take my wife out on a date for a really long time. We went out all the time, though, but as a group. So all of these outings where you see, like after church, like hey, you want to go get some lunch done, et cetera, et cetera just know, there's people watching you. They got some intentions on you. I definitely did.
43:27
We was going out to lunch. I was like, hey, hey, you and me go ask Tiffany if she wants to go down to the Piggly Wiggly with us. Oh, you're going down to Butcher Bar, huh, big Beach. Yeah, yeah, yeah, just ask her if she wants to come, because I'm not going to ask her myself. That looks thirsty. Now here's the kicker, though. I knew I liked her, but I wasn't going to put her under the pressure of having to make her feel like she's on a date. You know what I want to get to know you in a safe environment. We're going to go out as a group. We're all going to have a good time. You're not my date, I'm not your date. We are, as brothers and sisters, all together. Now it just so happened that every time we went out, it always happened to just be me and Tiffany talking one-on-one, despite the fact that there were 30 people with us.
44:15
You'll get to see people. You know why I like it too. You get to see things that people hide. When you like somebody and they like you, you put on your best face. But there are certain things that get through. How do you treat people that can't do anything for you? How do you treat the waiters? How do you treat your friends? How do you treat your mom and your sister?
44:36
Listen, courtship is a fact-finding expedition. It is nothing more than I'm trying to figure out. Can I commit the rest of my life to a stranger? Because, despite how much you think you know somebody, you still don't know them. And how do I know this? Because I've known my wife for 10 years, and for 10 years the Lord has taken her from glory to glory to glory, and she's ever-changing. So it would be ludicrous to think that I know her completely. She's just learning some of her as the Lord reveals it to her, amen.
45:10
So I'm just trying to gain enough information to make a quality decision, but I want to do it in a safe environment. So I'm going to go out in groups. We're going to have fun in community, because there's also accountability too, because if I'm the weirdo who's always hurting people and not healed, the word will get out in my community. Hey, sister, I know you're new to the church and all. But uh, you see brother so-and-so over there. I know you and him are scheduled to go get some pizza. I'm gonna need you to relax because he's gonna put you in a minivan and he's going to take you somewhere. Your reputation will precede you, good and bad, like oh wow, you and so-and-so are going out. Girl, now we don't have any minivan people in our church, thank God, just in case.
46:16
All right, so now in community you've gained a sense, for you've gotten to know people. You figure out, okay, I like this person. I've seen good fruit. Now, how do you measure good fruit? You're not just looking at their physical features. You're opening the scriptures and you're comparing what you see in the word to what you see in them. You know what's a good measure of this? I need you to go to the pastoral epistles. Go to first and second Timothy. Go to Titus.
46:43
See, paul gave him the descriptions for how to choose leadership and really what he's saying is these are how you secure mature Christians that can do the work of the Lord. It's not to say that the person that you have to be with has to be in leadership, but they should be displaying the mature characteristics listed for the leadership. So now, when I get with my wife and I see that there's a calling on her life, and I see that. So now, when I get with my wife and I see that there's a calling on her life and I see that, yes, she is a baddie, I now open my word and go OK, integrity, character, hard work, yeah, and she's passing all the checks. So now, once I get past that place, it's time to move on to the next stage.
47:27
The next stage is called the coffee date. You might say the coffee date. What's that? Well, here's the thing the coffee date is when I want to get to know somebody more in an individual setting, outside of the big brunches that we all do in after church. Amen, I need this to be a one-on-one. I need to see how you really interact, if there's a spark. Do you like me as much as I like you, or am I just being creepy? And the reason why I say a coffee date? Because a coffee date is determined by how much you want. Man, sister, so-and-so. Yo, thank you so much. I'm going to see you on Sunday. Let me take this to go, but sometimes you get a coffee date and you are so engaged your coffee gets cold. Do you mind switching this out? A coffee date could turn into lunch, and a lunch could turn into dinner and a dinner could turn into. You know I really enjoy your company.
48:35
Is it okay if I proceed to the next step and make it clear that I just individually want to get to know you? Would you be my girlfriend? Ah, so there are steps to this thing. Again, the coffee date gives you the ability to get to know someone individually, without all the added pressure of well, I need to spend money, I need to pour out my heart, I need to do all these things. That it's not this season, because if you do some of these things too fast, you're going to get yourself in trouble. Stop sharing every part of your heart, your dreams, your emotions with people and you just met them two days ago because you're going to end up in a place oversharing and then overgiving, and not everybody is worthy of that. So now, after I've had my coffee dates, after I've been in community, we proceed. And now she's my girlfriend.
49:32
Hey, boo, again, fact-finding. I'm only in a relationship because I need the facts. Who are you? Where'd you come from? Is your relationship with God real? Or are you just a pretender coming to snatch up eligible young Christian men? Like myself, I need to know. What are you here for? Well, I'm here for the glory of God. All right, that sounds great.
50:01
Let's see the fruit. Let's, let's, let's check under the hood. How's your relationship with your family? Oh, they all hate you. Okay, listen, if a man mistreats his family and they all hate him, you need to worry about why they all hate him. Same thing for the females. She doesn't respect her father. She spits in his face every time she sees him. She can't respect that man. The likelihood that she respects you enough not to spit on you is low. There's so much truth here and I feel the tension as people's minds are being blown. But, praise God, we need to know how to conduct ourselves in the house of God. God, we need to know how to conduct ourselves in the house of God.
50:50
Now, once you get to that place where you've been dating this person dating, really courting and you figure out because for me, I can tell you the day it happened for me, I did the whole group thing, I did the coffee thing, I led a life group with Tiffany. Well, really, she asked me to lead a life group with her and I told her no, I said, but I'm still coming now. And before the life group started, one day she leaned over because I was early, because I wanted to spend as much time with her as possible. She leaned over because I was early, because I wanted to spend as much time with her as possible. She says, hey, will you pray with me for the success of this group? Inwardly I was like, outwardly I'll just like, yeah, yeah, let's do that.
51:48
And it was at that moment I decided I will marry this woman, jesus, because she had such a reverence and a love for God and his people that it secured. She had all the other intangible stuff. She had the maturity, the integrity, the hard work, all these things. And she's a baddie. She had all those things. And then, on top of it, she was a lover of Jesus. I was like I'm done. I don't know everything there is to know about her, but I've made the decision that I can trust enough to go forward because God is with her and anything that she could have negatively he will protect me from. And I made the commitment and I asked her to be my wife at service, no less. She said, yes, it's been a sad story if I go through all of that. She was like, ah, maybe like nah. She said, yes, here's another thing. We went from engaged and we got married months later.
52:53
I have to emphasize this before we close. There is no specific time limit on all of this stuff. I need you to be wise about that. I don't encourage engagements that last three and four and five years. No, I feel like you should be engaged as long as it takes to plan a wedding successfully. But the other pushback to that is understand. With every one of these phases, once they're over, they're over. So there needs to be a certain level of understanding and awareness of where you are and enjoying that place. Because when I was dating, it was different from when I was engaged. When we got married, that was different. I was engaged when we got married. That was different from being engaged when we had kids. That's just a whole nother story.
53:36
So take the time and let God give you the wisdom for when to take the next steps through sound counsel. The Bible says there is safety in a multitude of counselors. Amen, was this good for you, church? Let's bless you. I would say the most important thing in all of this is to rely on God. When you know who you are in Christ and you know you're courting with intention and knowing what God desires for you in relationship, things become so much clearer. And that clarity, partnered with faith. It takes you where you need to be in God and brings the right person to you and makes it so that you won't fumble the bag.
54:20
Let's pray, father. Lord, we are so grateful that you have blessed us so that we can have relationship in you. Give us wisdom, give us the grace to be meek and humble and teachable, so that we can lean on those that have gone before us in success. Work on us, lord. Make us marriageable. Give us the grace, lord, to take this next step in our lives. Bring us the right people at the right time at the right season, that we're not anxiously pushing for things that are out of order and out of time. Give us the grace, lord, to be husbands and wives. Father, I ask you in Jesus' name.
55:10 - Speaker 2
This is the City Light Church podcast. If you've missed any part of today's message or if you would like to find out more about Pastor Boyan Jancic and City Light Church, visit us at citylightnyccom. That's citylightnyccom. Feel free to visit us online or in person anytime. We would love to connect with you. We pray that you have been encouraged today, that you have been reminded how much God loves you and that you are surrounded by grace. Thank you for listening. Make sure that you subscribe to City Light Church Podcast wherever you find your favorite podcasts worldwide.
When we have a pursuit of a husband or a wife, even more so. We have to look at the facts and we have to be surrounded by people that can lovingly correct us and hold us accountable. We have to keep our heart posture in alignment with God's will and understand the desires that he has for our future marriage and how that is going to bless the kingdom of God and bless it, so that the gospel is gonna have free course to go on, first and foremost through the family that you create.
00:26 - Speaker 2
Welcome to the City Light Church podcast. Thanks for joining us today as we look into God's word and discover the hope and truth that he has for us. If you want to connect with City Light Church, feel free to visit us at citylightnyccom. That's citylightnyccom. Pastor Boyan Jancic and his team believe that the power of the Holy Spirit is already working in our hearts and minds. As you listen to today's teaching, remember that you are deeply loved by God, that you are surrounded by His grace and that he has a real hope and a future for you.
01:06 - Speaker 1
My name is Muhammad Wurri. I'm one of the pastors here at City Light Church and again, we just want to greet you as we welcome the love of God in this place. Now I don't want to take any time because we got a lot to go through today, so I just want to dive right into. It Sounds good, let's jump into the word of God. So today I want to talk about navigating romance. I don't know who whistled at that picture, but my wife is in the back. Don't get yourself in trouble even more. It sounded like a male whistle, so I'm gonna leave that right there.
01:45
So in today's day and age, it is very difficult to navigate going from being a single to getting a boo thang, to getting engaged, to getting married, and I just want to help a little bit and walking people through that process. Now, before we take any steps further, married people don't check out A lot of you thinking to yourselves well, listen, I didn't got mine. So, uh, what does brunch plan looking like? No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Because here's the thing A lot of us, we weren't instructed exactly on how to get a mate of the godly sort. So sometimes either you are married to an unbeliever, or you are married to somebody who you know, with the knowledge that you'll gain today. If you had the right information, you probably wouldn't have married.
02:35
Okay, let me just and I say that and guess what, it's okay. I don't need you to hit the abort button now, because you've heard one message. Even Paul speaks about this. He says listen, if you are married to an unbeliever and they are willing to stay with you, you stay because the Lord is able to sanctify your marriage and your children and your future. He's able to work together for good, amen. Now, for those of you who are not married yet, I just want to give you some steps so that you know you can be successful. Sounds good, all right. So, married people, you've been warned. We'll carve you up. Next time, hopefully, we get a part two for this navigating romance for the married folk.
03:23
Okay, so, first of all, we don't see dating anywhere in the bible. So there's this understanding that as our generations change, so do some of the norms. But we can't take that and be pushed past holiness and outside of the will of god into sin. Why do I say that? Well, here's the thing with each generation comes a new way of looking at things. But I have to give a little bit of a pushback towards that, and that pushback comes directly from the scriptures. Let's go to Romans 12 too. Therefore, I urge you, brothers and sisters, in view of God's mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God. This is your true and proper worship. Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is, his good, pleasing and perfect will. Again, don't be conformed to the pattern of this world. Still with me, all right. So Matthew 19, four says this. And he answered this is Jesus speaking, by the way. And he answered and said to them have you not read that he who made them at the beginning made them male and female and said for this reason, a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh. So then they are no longer two but one flesh. Therefore, what God has joined together, let not man separate. So we see that the marriage covenant, or that marriage is a covenant between a man and a woman. In the eyes of God, it's an unbreakable bond.
05:13
Now, if you're a single and you're desiring marriage, you're desiring to be in this kingdom union. That is going to further the plans of the will of the Lord on earth, and you desire marriage. You desire a good thing, but before we take any steps further, before we crawl forward, I just have to ask a question Are you a man or a woman? Pastor James looks real nervous. Where are we going this morning? Well, here's the thing, though don't be nervous.
05:59
Marriage is for men and women. We know this from the scriptures. Say amen, church, okay, all right. The thing is, the Bible does not say that marriage is for boys and girls. So are you a man or a boy? Are you a woman or are you a girl? Trying to play? Okay, let me how about this Song of Solomon, 8, 4. It says this I charge you, o daughters of Jerusalem, do not stir up nor awaken love until it pleases.
06:37
There are many singles today that desire fellowship, companionship, they desire a kingdom relationship, but the honest truth is they haven't asked a real question Are you marriageable? Because we know that we want to be with people. You know your friends that want to be with people. You know your friends that want to be with people, but have they asked the question are you where you need to be? Yeah, it's quiet because we don't like questions like that, because that's a question that pokes and it prods and it really gets us to examine where we are in life. Are you just looking to get with somebody for whatever it is that you think you want Somebody looking for pies and thighs in this place, or are you looking for godly relationship that furthers the kingdom of God?
07:52
But the thing is, you can only enter into that type of covenant arrangement if you're a man or a woman, if you are counted among the mature. Are you mature? Are you marriageable? Do you have a whole host of unhealed trauma and brokenness that you haven't addressed and allowed the Lord in on? Because now you just want to hit your wagon with somebody else with all of your stuff and just put it on them. Is that what we're talking about? It's quiet, oh, it's quiet.
08:30
How do you deal with money? Are you broke, busted and disgusted? Do you mismanage all of your money? So let me get this straight you want me to give you my daughter when you are $80 million in debt. You got the GDP of small countries in debt and you're talking about let me have your daughter, I'll make sure to provide for both of us. Ooh, they're not going to like me today, pastor. They're not going to like me today.
09:07
You know why we really got to ask the question are you married, job? Because as someone I've been married this August I have been married for 10 years Now. I wish I could say all 10, I've been the perfect husband. It's been about. It's a rocky start, guys. It was a rocky start. It's a rocky middle, where the Lord is shaping me out as we go Amen, no, no, I'm talking to her. Amen, you got to check in. My wife is in the building, okay. The only reason she's not sitting in the front is because she got the baby in the back. She's trying to be respectful to the building, got it Okay? The only reason she's not sitting in the front is because she got the baby in the back. She's trying to be respectful to the service, amen. So you got to check in.
09:54
But the reason we have to ask the question are you marriageable? It's because marriage is a Petri dish. If nobody ever told you before, marriage is a petri dish that grows, the love of god. Listen, I've been married for 10 years and I've learned from experience that you are not as all that as you think you are. You have idiosyncrasies and little ways about you that will annoy the hell out of somebody. And they, they got to wake up next to you every day and there are things about them that are weird and idiosyncratic and it is terrible. Not you, baby, just you know. And every day you got to wake up next to that thing, and it's something about getting into such close proximity with infallible imperfection that grows the love of God. That's not for boys and girls.
10:54
Ladies and gentlemen, there's a reason why the statistics on divorce in our country are so terrible. In and outside of the church somewhere above 50% Because we've believed the lie of this world that says it's a very hedonistic thing. It's a very consumer culture that says I want what I want and if it doesn't work then I'll go down the block. How many know that's not marriage, that's not biblical marriage, that's not covenant before the Lord. When you make a covenant, you're making more than just the contract. You're making a pledge before God that says I'm here for the long run, I'm here for the long haul, I'm here to partner with you, even when I don't like you. Come on, all the married people are supposed to say amen. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
11:41
Sometimes that see all the single people. They don't really know this part. Yeah, yeah, yeah, sometimes that see, all the single people, they don't really know this part. Yeah, sometimes you don't like your spouse because they are them. They're imperfect humans. You love them, you love them, you are committed to them, but you don't always like them, and the reason why you stay is because you are committed to them and committed to God. So, single people, you need to learn this now, even before you make that commitment. You know they teach you in preacher school and homiletic class that you should never worry about the sound of the people, and I'm not. I expected every one of you to be quiet today and I'm not. I expected every one of you to be quiet today.
12:32
Marriage exposes our weaknesses, but the beautiful part that I've learned about God is he only reveals what he wants to heal. So, when you enter this Petri dish called marriage and it's growing the love of God and it is exposing all of the ways in which you are weak and less than perfect and putting them on full display. Because here's the thing. Maybe you've never seen this before, but we hide really well. You hide with your friends, you hide with your associates, you hide with your coworkers, you hide with your family. There are certain things you can't hide from your spouse because they all up in your face every day. That's facts. All the married people know. That's facts, because when it comes to friends and all these different relationships outside of the marriage, you know it's almost like when you get company over and you quickly hide and throw everything into the closet.
13:38
Praise God, hey, are we heading out? Yes, let's do that. Praise the Lord, I want this closet to bust open and all my trash come out. And it's not just a physical thing. Metaphorically, in our spirit there's trash and we hide it up behind a pretty veneer. How are you doing? All is well With myself? You can't hide that type of stuff from your spouse Because when that thing starts to cook up and you start kicking the dog for no reason and you're yelling at everybody, it's like the Snickers commercials. Hey, you're not yourself. Do you need a Snickers? Like you're not yourself. Have you been praying? Have you been reading your scriptures? Because they see you and they know you. Oh, we're going to school, you today. So this ain't for boys and girls, amen.
14:39
Proverbs 18 22 says this he who finds a wife finds a good thing and obtains favor from the Lord, all the happy married folk. Amen. I done found it, I got faithful. That's a happy married man, you can tell. That's a happy married man, you can tell. But what it doesn't say is he who finds a booty call. What it doesn't say is he who finds a friend with benefits. What it doesn't say is he who finds a baddie. You don't get the favor of the Lord because you found a thot. I'll let the young people school you on that one T-H-O-T that. Okay, you Google that on your own time. No, it doesn't say those things. It doesn't even say he who finds a girlfriend finds a good thing. But wait, this scripture is specifically speaking to singles. It's speaking to a single man, saying he who finds a wife finds a good thing.
15:58
So there's something that's profound that the Lord is teaching us through this verse you need to be a wife even before your husband finds you. You need to be a husband even before you're married. There is a measure of maturity and selflessness that you have to embody before you even get connected with somebody. Your husband, your future husband. He doesn't need a girlfriend, he needs a wife. Oh, you ain't saying nothing, church. You need to put yourself in reconstruction mode.
16:46
Lord, do it. That should be every one of our prayer. Lord do it. Let him operate on you.
17:02
I pray that we would have a generation of men and women of God that would say enter my home. I'm not locking any of the doors. Come into the attic, come into the basement, come clean and sweep me out. Because, let me tell you, the Lord knew he wanted to bless me with a wife, but I was a boy and he had to come and take some desperate measures and start cleaning things out to make me a man. Because the last thing you want to do is take the purpose, the will, the calling of God, his precious child, and have it connected to a deadbeat that's going nowhere, an immature person that is only going to look for self.
17:39
Marriage is all about selflessness, not selfishness. I'm not trying to discourage you nor dissuade you from marriage. Marriage is amazing. All my license holders would you testify. So how can you be a wife or a husband if you've never been married? Well, you have to lean on those who have been and are in healthy marriages. Let me read you something from titus, chapter 2.
18:15
But as for you, speak the things which are proper for sound doctrine that the older men be sober, reverent, temperate, sound in faith in love, in patience. The older women likewise. That they be reverent in behavior, not slanderers, not given to much wine, teachers of good things. That they admonish the young women to love their husbands and to love their children. To be discreet, chaste, homemakers, good, obedient to their own husbands. That the word of God may not be blasphemed. Likewise, exhort the young men to be sober-minded in all things, showing yourself to be a pattern of good works in doctrine, showing integrity, reverence, incorruptibility, sound speech that cannot be condemned. That one who is an opponent may be ashamed having nothing evil to say of you. No, sometimes you gotta let the word sit and let it say la for a minute. You need to be in a place of humility where you would actually depend on those that have gone before you and actually look and glean from those that are doing it successfully.
19:31
Listen, you hate your wife. I'm sorry. I probably don't want to hear from you If, every time I talk to you, all you have is something negative to say about your wife, and it's never about you and your ability to bring something to the table, to bring a change. Praise God. I want to hear from people that have been married for many years, that have seen the ups and the downs and they've weathered that storm and they show true commitment and they show that God's grace is able to take what was broken and hurting and lost and bring out treasure. Because, listen, when you're married and it's the will of God and his spirit is there in the midst of those two people it can feel like heaven on earth or it can feel like torture, depending on how much you let the Lord in. All right.
20:24
So, as a single, how do you navigate in a world when the Bible tells us that there is no such thing as dating, that we should just marry? That's what the Bible says Be married. It's better to marry than to sin. But it never says how to get there. How do you meet people? What do you do? So there's dating as the world knows it, and then there's biblical dating, which is not even called dating, it's called courtship, and I want to just give you a little bit of a glimpse of the two, and then we can practically put some legs on this thing and walk you through how to get from point A to point B. Amen.
21:13
So worldly dating as we know it is nothing more than veiled divorce practice is nothing more than veiled divorce practice. Yeah, what we know of today as dating. Oh, I meet you, you nice, let's go out, we spend time together. I pour in my emotions, I pour in my time, my effort, my energy, and then I start giving you pieces of me. Oh, no, no, no, no, I'm not veiling it, I'm talking about you. Start living together. You're playing house, you're sleeping together, you're giving every part of yourself because what you thought was just a physical thing, the devil lied to you. Did you know that God created sex? Sex is not a creation of the enemy, that's God's. He made that in heaven. Oh man, I don't know if you're not doing it right. Sex is awesome. That'll be another message for another day. We'll talk about it. I'm getting in the weeds. I'm getting in the weeds, weeds.
22:32
Sex is God's idea, but he knows, because he's the one who created it. It was only designed for covenant. I'm going to spell it out because sometimes people live in this innuendo place where they're not really speaking about it openly. Fornication, premarital sex, is sin. That's not preached enough. That truth is not heralded enough from the pulpit. That's sin. You find yourself casually sleeping with somebody outside of covenant. That isn't your husband and it isn't your wife. You, my friend, are in sin. You have missed the mark. That is not God's best for you. We don't understand because we think… I understand our society is propagating this lie.
23:11
It's just a physical thing, it's just something that you can do. It's not just a physical thing because it was created by a very real and spiritual God. Sex involves body, soul and spirit and there's a connection on so many different levels. It was meant to make two one. When you only have a misunderstanding of what sex is and you think it's only just this physical connection, you end up giving pieces of yourself to somebody else. When it's over, because there's no commitment, you're broken and you're hurting and you're wondering why. I was with so-and-so three years ago and I just can't go on. You can't go on because your soul is still attached and you got soul ties because you thought it was just physical, you thought it was just fun. For the moment.
24:19
There are people who do object lessons and things like that, and I won't bore you with doing one, but there's one that I saw that made a lot of sense and I wish more people would be hip to it. This person took two pieces of heavy duty cardboard and he took them and he took industrial strength adhesive and he bonded them together and gave it time and they were fused. Then he got two really strong dudes and he said, hey, I need you to separate these things. It took some doing, but fine, because at first they couldn't. It was industrial-strength adhesive. It was too strong, but then there started to be a ripping, there started to be a tearing. The two were separated, but do you know that it was not a clean break. There were pieces of this side on the other side and there were pieces of this side on that side.
25:13
Now imagine we're talking about the sex union outside of marriage. So now you're connecting with someone and you think that it's only physical, but yet when there is this divide and there is this cutting off, pieces of your soul are left all over the place. You're wondering why you feel so broken, why you feel so separated and torn apart, when the Lord desires and calls you to wholeness. It's because you're doing something out of order and out of the alignment. Sex is amazing, but it's only amazing because I have a license, and I have a license with the other person that I've committed myself to. Our life. Groups are doing letter to the American church. We're learning how to stand boldly on truth correct. Here's a truth that's not widely spoken If you're engaged in premarital sex, stop for your own health, for the health of your future, for the health of your future spouse. Amen. Brightly colored preacher.
26:38
If you look up the actual definition of dating, it says that dating means different things to different people, particularly across generations, and this is what we see as our generation continues to change and evolve. In simple terms, dating can be defined as two people in an intimate relationship. Unfortunately, though we look at modern dating today, it includes more than a few things that are just not biblical Dating with no intention, premarital sex, selfish, hedonistic pleasure-seeking with no thought for the other person. So when you date without intention, you're never looking for something specific in your partner, and what that devolves down to is you're only looking for the fulfillment of self, and the fruit of that turns into many nasty and ugly things. You start to debase the person and don't see them as a person. They're just an object for your satisfaction. It is no longer about sacrificing for the betterment of the whole. It's only about feed my own pleasure. Can you see how that is negative and broken and twisted and from the pit of hell. But that's not the way that they package it and sell it to you. You can't buy milk from a commercial today without somebody trying to sell you sex.
28:07
I pray that the Lord would give us eyes to discern and see what really is happening in our culture. They're looking to destroy us through self-satisfaction. This is a very base example and I just know it because I'm acquainted with food. But if I'm out and about and I'm going through my day and I snack on things all day instead of waiting for the dinner that I know is going to be at home, that will satiate and satisfy me by the time I get to that dinner. When I get to it, I might not even really want it because I'm already full off of nonsense.
28:49
How many of us are filling ourselves up on things that don't satisfy so that when God finally does bring you the thing, he brings you the satisfaction, he brings you the relationship, he brings you the satisfaction, he brings you the relationship. He brings you that man or that woman of God. You have so warped and twisted sex, his creation through masturbation, through addiction to porn that when you finally get the thing, you don't even know how to treat it correctly. Oh man, I am preaching right now, pastor James, oh Lord, hallelujah, when we are courting with intention towards marriage, we start paying attention and looking for a kingdom spouse. We start looking for someone that is going to help us fulfill the will of God and the calling of God on our lives. Do every one of you know that you have a calling of God on your life? It's not just to be a preacher, a pastor, an evangelist. No, no, no. You have a calling as a Christian to be where you are, in your market, to be God's child Everywhere you go. You are meant to be an evangelist of sorts, because you get to share who God made you to be and the gospel comes out of that. When you get with the wrong person, because you're only looking with parts and not your spiritual eyes, you can detract and destroy the purpose and the calling of God. God gives us this instruction for healthy relationship leading to marriage.
30:33
Second Corinthians 6, 14,. It says do not be unequally yoked together with unbelievers, for what fellowship has righteousness with lawlessness and what communion has light with darkness, do not be yoked together with unbelievers. Right? So we hear that and we think well, I'm Christian, he's Christian. He goes to my church. I can't tell you how many times well-meaning Christians they drag some unbelieving douche into my office going hey, look what I found. Would you give us some premarital counseling so we can get our license? No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
31:23
Not being unequally yoked or being equally yoked is not just well, they're christian, they believe in god. No, no. Do they believe in your god? Do they hold the convictions of the scripture that you do? Do they stand and trust and know that Jesus Christ is Lord? There is no other means for salvation other than him. That's where we start. It's not even where we fit. That's just the bedrock, bottom line of where we start.
31:58
Don't settle, don't settle. Oh, I feel that in my spirit, some of you singles don't settle. Don't settle just because you're lonely and you're tired and you are hungry for pies and thighs, because what God has for you is better than what you're trying to settle for, I guarantee you. So, again, this looks like actually serving the same God, sharing the same convictions, because, we have to be honest, not everybody in church is actually saved. What Now? You're messing me up right now, pastor. What are you talking about? No, no, no. Everybody here within under the sound of my not everybody's saved, not everybody actually has a relationship with Jesus. They come to church that's great, we are on the road actually has a relationship with Jesus. They come to church that's great, we're on the road. There's a gradient of faith. We're working you out.
33:10
You see, my wife my wife is not at the pulpit much. She doesn't talk much. She will pray the crazy off a devil. That woman has a relationship with God when I'm sick and I'm hurting and I'm a man. So when I get sick I turn into a little baby. It's just a headache when I'm in that place. She can come because she's filled with the Spirit of God, she knows the Word of God and the anointing that she carries and she comes by faith and she lays hands and releases the presence of God and she casts that baby spirit off of me and healing arises and all the women said amen.
34:08
You know what it also takes too. It takes accountability, because we're talking about being single, getting to marriage, getting the right tools to get where we want to go. So you have to have accountability, because there's something about when emotions rise, when you meet somebody and you like somebody, that actually causes you to be insane they say being in love. In direct proportion, the type of endorphins that are released are the same as being crazy. There's a couple things in life that produce this effect Large amounts of chocolate, being in love and being insane. So when you meet somebody and you're in this place of oh my God, they're so amazing you don't even understand Like. They just look the part, they just sound the part. It is just so good, just no, no, in that moment. That's why I'm going to need you to get around your friends and go hey, what do you think? Because the problem comes with.
35:08
Many of us are not in a place where we would even open ourselves up to that type of accountability. If we're honest, we just trudge along making decisions, running headlong into walls and upset that we have migraines. That wasn't fun. Jeremiah 17.9 says this the heart is deceitful, above all things, and desperately wicked. Who can know it? When we are attracted to people and endorphins are racing and emotions are high, our view of certain things and certain people can become distorted, and when we have a pursuit of a husband or a wife, even more so we have to look at the facts and we have to be surrounded by people that can lovingly correct us and hold us accountable. We have to keep our heart posture in alignment with God's will and understand the desires he has for our future marriage and how that is going to bless the kingdom of God and bless it. So the gospel is going to have free course to go on, first and foremost through the family you create.
36:15
I'm going to really close with this one. I want to give you some practical steps for what this looks like, because so often we hear people go we're waiting on God. I want a relationship. I heard the message. I'm not going to just be out here selling myself anymore. Praise God. What do I do next? I want you to wait on the Lord. Okay, okay, am I done? Waiting, shut up. No, waiting on God is not this passive thing. That means I'm going to stand here in this one position like this. No, waiting on God means I'm going to actively participate in this act of preparation, because you're not just waiting on God, no, no, I need you to think of it more. Like you are waiting on God. Oh, got to get my white towel.
37:07
Make the look complete what you got for us today, lord. What would you like today, lord? Would you like some consecration? Lord, would you like some holiness today? Lord, would you like, oh, no, oh. You want to operate on me today? Okay, jesus, well, let's do that. Oh, you want to prepare me for that person? That? Oh okay, I hadn't signed up for that, but you know what. I trust you, jesus. Oh, you, you want to touch my trauma? Oh, okay, jesus. Yeah, no, no, do it. Do it, lord, because what you're doing is inviting him in, allowing him to fix all the things that keep you from getting the good things that he has, because, for some of you, god has already put some good things in your life and you've scared them away with your crazy because you haven't allowed him. Oh, there you are. Praise God, all right. Practical steps.
38:11
Number one am I actually marriageable? When I go to the Lord, is he giving me the thumbs up like, hey, you should get out there and start looking, or is he saying get back in the lab, I got some more work to do and it's okay to be in that place? Here's the thing. God redeems the time as much as we think. Come on, jesus, I'm getting older. I got to go my eggs and stuff. Come on, please, please, please, please, please. God is like I got you, I got you, he can do it. What you thought would take 10 years, he can do it. What you thought would take 10 years, he can do in two weeks.
38:54
So am I actually marriageable? Am I actually running the race? Do you have a real relationship with jesus? Is jesus the lord and savior of your life? Not just Savior, but Lord? Are you submitted to him, looking for his will? See, the thing is, when I met my wife, I wasn't looking for my wife, I was looking for Jesus. I was running my race. Every one of us has a unique race and calling of God. I was getting it Soldier for the Lord Burns in my castle. I'm going to keep going. I love you, lord. I was a Bible thumper when I first got saved. Get saved. I was throwing the Bible like a grenade.
39:45
Something funny happens when you start running your race for the Lord. You start to realize real Christians and fake Christians and who can't really hang. When I was running, there was a lot of attractive girls in my church. I start running and they start falling behind and I'm looking around like not all the girls, jesus ain't nothing but dudes up here. He said just keep focused on me. All right, I'm going to trust you, lord, but I know you don't go that way. All right, jesus, I start running and I keep running for the Lord. And then, lo and behold, one day I met this woman and I didn't notice my wife because she is incredibly attractive. She is, but that's not why I noticed her. I noticed her because the first day that I met her, the preacher couldn't even preach because of her.
40:46
Here it is a pastor, he's preaching his message and he just stops with the burden of the Lord on his heart. He says "'Hey, ma'am, I'm going to need you to stand up'". He's like "'I've never done this before, but I just got to'". He begins to prophesy to her, declaring "'You're going to be a member here. You're going to help us launch one of our churches here. You know me, I'm in the back with the creeper smile like what is happening here? Because I'm in the back and she's in the middle and I'm just like yeah, I need to meet her. And you best believe. After the service done, I was like hey, uh, my name is muhammad. Praise god, it's nice to meet you. You know, I know you're gonna be joining the launch team just sooner. You know, look forward to getting to know you.
41:50
As you're running your race, you get to look to the left and look to the right and see who's keeping pace. That's important. You want to be equally yoked right. Stop trying to save people off the street so they could be your boyfriend. We not big game hunting. That's not what the Lord meant. Get people saved because you want to see them get saved. If they happen to later bear fruit, hey, praise God, stop going. Let me go right down to that planet's fitness. They look good in there. Anybody want some? Jesus, jesus. So run your race, be marriageable. Run your race, look around as you run and see who's keeping pace. Here's another one Community is going to be super important right now Getting to know people, because, remember, you're not just waiting, you're waiting, you're serving.
42:48
It's important that you get around godly people who are doing godly things for the sake of the kingdom, because you get to learn and see people and interact with people without the awkwardness of a date. Listen, I didn't take my wife out on a date for a really long time. We went out all the time, though, but as a group. So all of these outings where you see, like after church, like hey, you want to go get some lunch done, et cetera, et cetera just know, there's people watching you. They got some intentions on you. I definitely did.
43:27
We was going out to lunch. I was like, hey, hey, you and me go ask Tiffany if she wants to go down to the Piggly Wiggly with us. Oh, you're going down to Butcher Bar, huh, big Beach. Yeah, yeah, yeah, just ask her if she wants to come, because I'm not going to ask her myself. That looks thirsty. Now here's the kicker, though. I knew I liked her, but I wasn't going to put her under the pressure of having to make her feel like she's on a date. You know what I want to get to know you in a safe environment. We're going to go out as a group. We're all going to have a good time. You're not my date, I'm not your date. We are, as brothers and sisters, all together. Now it just so happened that every time we went out, it always happened to just be me and Tiffany talking one-on-one, despite the fact that there were 30 people with us.
44:15
You'll get to see people. You know why I like it too. You get to see things that people hide. When you like somebody and they like you, you put on your best face. But there are certain things that get through. How do you treat people that can't do anything for you? How do you treat the waiters? How do you treat your friends? How do you treat your mom and your sister?
44:36
Listen, courtship is a fact-finding expedition. It is nothing more than I'm trying to figure out. Can I commit the rest of my life to a stranger? Because, despite how much you think you know somebody, you still don't know them. And how do I know this? Because I've known my wife for 10 years, and for 10 years the Lord has taken her from glory to glory to glory, and she's ever-changing. So it would be ludicrous to think that I know her completely. She's just learning some of her as the Lord reveals it to her, amen.
45:10
So I'm just trying to gain enough information to make a quality decision, but I want to do it in a safe environment. So I'm going to go out in groups. We're going to have fun in community, because there's also accountability too, because if I'm the weirdo who's always hurting people and not healed, the word will get out in my community. Hey, sister, I know you're new to the church and all. But uh, you see brother so-and-so over there. I know you and him are scheduled to go get some pizza. I'm gonna need you to relax because he's gonna put you in a minivan and he's going to take you somewhere. Your reputation will precede you, good and bad, like oh wow, you and so-and-so are going out. Girl, now we don't have any minivan people in our church, thank God, just in case.
46:16
All right, so now in community you've gained a sense, for you've gotten to know people. You figure out, okay, I like this person. I've seen good fruit. Now, how do you measure good fruit? You're not just looking at their physical features. You're opening the scriptures and you're comparing what you see in the word to what you see in them. You know what's a good measure of this? I need you to go to the pastoral epistles. Go to first and second Timothy. Go to Titus.
46:43
See, paul gave him the descriptions for how to choose leadership and really what he's saying is these are how you secure mature Christians that can do the work of the Lord. It's not to say that the person that you have to be with has to be in leadership, but they should be displaying the mature characteristics listed for the leadership. So now, when I get with my wife and I see that there's a calling on her life, and I see that. So now, when I get with my wife and I see that there's a calling on her life and I see that, yes, she is a baddie, I now open my word and go OK, integrity, character, hard work, yeah, and she's passing all the checks. So now, once I get past that place, it's time to move on to the next stage.
47:27
The next stage is called the coffee date. You might say the coffee date. What's that? Well, here's the thing the coffee date is when I want to get to know somebody more in an individual setting, outside of the big brunches that we all do in after church. Amen, I need this to be a one-on-one. I need to see how you really interact, if there's a spark. Do you like me as much as I like you, or am I just being creepy? And the reason why I say a coffee date? Because a coffee date is determined by how much you want. Man, sister, so-and-so. Yo, thank you so much. I'm going to see you on Sunday. Let me take this to go, but sometimes you get a coffee date and you are so engaged your coffee gets cold. Do you mind switching this out? A coffee date could turn into lunch, and a lunch could turn into dinner and a dinner could turn into. You know I really enjoy your company.
48:35
Is it okay if I proceed to the next step and make it clear that I just individually want to get to know you? Would you be my girlfriend? Ah, so there are steps to this thing. Again, the coffee date gives you the ability to get to know someone individually, without all the added pressure of well, I need to spend money, I need to pour out my heart, I need to do all these things. That it's not this season, because if you do some of these things too fast, you're going to get yourself in trouble. Stop sharing every part of your heart, your dreams, your emotions with people and you just met them two days ago because you're going to end up in a place oversharing and then overgiving, and not everybody is worthy of that. So now, after I've had my coffee dates, after I've been in community, we proceed. And now she's my girlfriend.
49:32
Hey, boo, again, fact-finding. I'm only in a relationship because I need the facts. Who are you? Where'd you come from? Is your relationship with God real? Or are you just a pretender coming to snatch up eligible young Christian men? Like myself, I need to know. What are you here for? Well, I'm here for the glory of God. All right, that sounds great.
50:01
Let's see the fruit. Let's, let's, let's check under the hood. How's your relationship with your family? Oh, they all hate you. Okay, listen, if a man mistreats his family and they all hate him, you need to worry about why they all hate him. Same thing for the females. She doesn't respect her father. She spits in his face every time she sees him. She can't respect that man. The likelihood that she respects you enough not to spit on you is low. There's so much truth here and I feel the tension as people's minds are being blown. But, praise God, we need to know how to conduct ourselves in the house of God. God, we need to know how to conduct ourselves in the house of God.
50:50
Now, once you get to that place where you've been dating this person dating, really courting and you figure out because for me, I can tell you the day it happened for me, I did the whole group thing, I did the coffee thing, I led a life group with Tiffany. Well, really, she asked me to lead a life group with her and I told her no, I said, but I'm still coming now. And before the life group started, one day she leaned over because I was early, because I wanted to spend as much time with her as possible. She leaned over because I was early, because I wanted to spend as much time with her as possible. She says, hey, will you pray with me for the success of this group? Inwardly I was like, outwardly I'll just like, yeah, yeah, let's do that.
51:48
And it was at that moment I decided I will marry this woman, jesus, because she had such a reverence and a love for God and his people that it secured. She had all the other intangible stuff. She had the maturity, the integrity, the hard work, all these things. And she's a baddie. She had all those things. And then, on top of it, she was a lover of Jesus. I was like I'm done. I don't know everything there is to know about her, but I've made the decision that I can trust enough to go forward because God is with her and anything that she could have negatively he will protect me from. And I made the commitment and I asked her to be my wife at service, no less. She said, yes, it's been a sad story if I go through all of that. She was like, ah, maybe like nah. She said, yes, here's another thing. We went from engaged and we got married months later.
52:53
I have to emphasize this before we close. There is no specific time limit on all of this stuff. I need you to be wise about that. I don't encourage engagements that last three and four and five years. No, I feel like you should be engaged as long as it takes to plan a wedding successfully. But the other pushback to that is understand. With every one of these phases, once they're over, they're over. So there needs to be a certain level of understanding and awareness of where you are and enjoying that place. Because when I was dating, it was different from when I was engaged. When we got married, that was different. I was engaged when we got married. That was different from being engaged when we had kids. That's just a whole nother story.
53:36
So take the time and let God give you the wisdom for when to take the next steps through sound counsel. The Bible says there is safety in a multitude of counselors. Amen, was this good for you, church? Let's bless you. I would say the most important thing in all of this is to rely on God. When you know who you are in Christ and you know you're courting with intention and knowing what God desires for you in relationship, things become so much clearer. And that clarity, partnered with faith. It takes you where you need to be in God and brings the right person to you and makes it so that you won't fumble the bag.
54:20
Let's pray, father. Lord, we are so grateful that you have blessed us so that we can have relationship in you. Give us wisdom, give us the grace to be meek and humble and teachable, so that we can lean on those that have gone before us in success. Work on us, lord. Make us marriageable. Give us the grace, lord, to take this next step in our lives. Bring us the right people at the right time at the right season, that we're not anxiously pushing for things that are out of order and out of time. Give us the grace, lord, to be husbands and wives. Father, I ask you in Jesus' name.
55:10 - Speaker 2
This is the City Light Church podcast. If you've missed any part of today's message or if you would like to find out more about Pastor Boyan Jancic and City Light Church, visit us at citylightnyccom. That's citylightnyccom. Feel free to visit us online or in person anytime. We would love to connect with you. We pray that you have been encouraged today, that you have been reminded how much God loves you and that you are surrounded by grace. Thank you for listening. Make sure that you subscribe to City Light Church Podcast wherever you find your favorite podcasts worldwide.
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